As I Wait...

"It's something so surreal, the stupid way you make me feel. When everything is said and done, somehow you are still the one. Don't make me wait so long!" -- Locksley

Tuesdays are quite busy here.
My orders for some tests were clear,
But the lab techs were nowhere near

As I wait for my bloods to get drawn.

My coworker was frantic, too.
"Agh! I have so much to do!"
"I'll take care of it for you,"
As I wait for my bloods to get drawn.

I learn, after some consent checks,

Her protocols are quite complex.
The clinic staffers are all wrecks

As I wait for my bloods to get drawn.

Plus, I was interrupted twice.

"Ash, you package things so nice.
Ship these samples in dry ice?"
As I wait for my bloods to get drawn.

My last guy's seeing the MD.
In half an hour I can go free.
But my nurse has more work for me
As I wait for my bloods to get drawn.

After a scant ten hours of trials,

The lab tech hands me cryovials.
Tomorrow's tubes are in three piles...

Ode to the Barneys Warehouse Sale

"But when all the world says yes, then who am I to say no? Don't ask a mutt to strut like a showgirl! No, girl, you need a pro." -- Barry Manilow, from Oliver and Company


I think I dress quite well and I take pride in my appearance,
So most are shocked to learn that what I wear I buy on clearance!
I have an eye for style but not the cash couture entails,
So on a research salary, I have to hunt for sales.

Twice a year, Barneys tries to unload last year's stock,
And opens wide its warehouse doors to cheapskates half in hock.
This blest event is fondly called the Barneys Warehouse Sale,
And for discerning shoppers, it's the retail Holy Grail.

But be warned, dear friends, the Barney's sale isn't quite the scene
For shoppers who can only thrive in places more serene.
It's not made for the faint of heart or temperament or wit --
You mustn't be afraid to fight through crowds and racks of shit.

Thus I'm sure you all can understand my thoughts of woe
When I told Mom about the sale and she said she'd like to go.
I warned her off, I told her that the mob was sure to shock,
But she didn't quite believe me till the line stretched round the block.

The women's floor defies description; clothes, though seldom cheap,
Are thrown in bins and on the floor, oftentimes waist-deep.
There's barely room to walk, the air is thick with fibrous dust,
Into the racks you're often pushed by clientele robust.

And since there are no changing rooms, the aisles, to Mom's surprise,
Are strewn with naked women trying items on for size.
I came prepared – I wore a flowing skirt instead of pants,
But ladies wandered round in thongs while strange men stood entranced.

By the time I got on line, my hem trailed on the floor,
My hands looked gross, three nails were cracked, and my feet were sore.
My lungs were filled with so much dust I couldn't heave a sigh.
My hair was mussed, my face bruised from a hanger to the eye.

I paid then paused, straightened my hem and swept my hair back neat,
And with two awesome pairs of jeans, exited to the street.
One pair are black Aristocrats -- the high-waist, wide-leg line.
The others are plain blues, but damn they make my ass look fine.

Yeah, you need no shame, but that's the price of being thrifty--
I chose jeans worth five hundred bucks but paid thirty-four fifty.
Mom has said she shan't return; one trip's enough for her.
But I look forward to the spring. You think they discount fur?

Assed from the Past

"If Dr. Seuss had an arse as painful as mine..." -- Yours Truly, circa 2002

I threw out all of my old High School notebooks (except for AP Bio, of course) tonight. While rifling through years' worth of old papers, I found this gem of poetry scribbled on the back of an AP Euro DBQ source document. Honestly, I surprise myself sometimes.

I set off down the hall
Interrupted by a balk.
I stumble but don't fall.
I'm limping when I walk.
My backside really aches --
It's stiff when I sit down.
It hurts, for goodness sake!
You wonder why I frown!
You wonder why I frown --
It hurts, for goodness sake!
It's stiff when I sit down,
My backside really aches.
I'm limping when I walk.
I stumble but don't fall.
Interrupted by a balk,
I set off down the hall.